My whole summer was one spent arguing constantly with N, in too much of a financial hole to leave or do anything about it. Genuinely depressed and lost all verve and desire for anything at all. I made excuses for N, like I always do for people.

Not even sure how I got through. Not even sure how N and I are still together. I am glad we are but there are issues. Why didn't I walk? I ask myself this. I don't think it is cowardice. There is something worth preserving.

Term restarted and I got some extra work at another place. It is fine though they're not trialling me for future permanency, so my heart has slipped out of it a little. Maybe even out of my regular job too.

I got a journal article accepted that I am pretty pleased with.

I had a work wobble where I wrote a long email to my departmental head. Here is a selected part of it:

However, I feel stranded in a number of ways: financially, chiefly. Money isn’t everything, of course. But in terms of professional and academic mentorship, in terms of feeling like there is even something at the end of the struggle, in terms of not feeling like a mediocre cog in a clockwork mechanism about to be replaced by digital technology – I am bereft. I feel like I woke up in 1980s Wales with a desperation to be part of the extractive industries.

I have tried to apply the Norman Tebbitt method of self-improvement but the impact of the final three paragraphs has left my CV in much the same state as it was in the final year of my studentship: some teaching, no publications, no monograph pending. I have a review on the way, an article in revision, and a half-written book proposal. But my confidence is near obliteration and I have no idea how to regain it. Not getting shortlisted for any of the jobs I have applied for hasn’t helped much, and I detest the idea of communicating any of the issues above lest I be perceived as currying favour through sympathy.

I must shoulder some of the blame: I am indolent at times and perhaps I am not compensating for my lack of research with stellar award-winning teaching and brilliant extracurricular programs to roar the gospel I claim to uphold. Perhaps I am a passenger in this world and would be better off pursuing other opportunities. But no one will even do me that kindness.

He was good about it but not able to do anything. No one can do anything.

I keep waking after sad dreams: about mum, about R, about A. Lack of closure dreams. Lack of goodbye dreams. In each I am humiliated.

I think Instagram is messing my mind up. A dishonest form of porn.

Made a couple of trips - one to the west of Ireland and one to Lithuania. Both were fine but I didn't get the total soul charge I was hoping for.