message to N, earlier today:

[pet name redacted] I am having a terrible day. I just feel sad and agry about everything in the world. I can usually pull the nose of the plane up but I honestly feel like I'm crashing and burning this time. I hate my life so much right now.

pretty sure [job] are shaping to let me go

Job rejections never used to hit me hard. One summer I applied for 130 joe jobs and got the first one I applied but only at the very end of the process. Now I'm not getting shortlisted for a fixed term gig in my field and it is like I have been stabbed in the side. What am I doing here? How can I move on? I don't know how. I don't know what to do. Do more research? I can't, I work 70hr weeks. I lodge miles from home. My space is not mine. I leave at 6 every morning and return at 9 at night. I stumble around from job to job and never have any time between them. My inbox fills up every day. I am lost and I lack support. I am spending so much money on train tickets and food. Any profit margin is destroyed. Any hope of saving is gone.

All the news in the world is bad and I don't see an end to it. The bad guys have won and anyone good is compromised anyway. I don't even know which side I am.

This isn't suicidal ideation. I feel low and lost but I don't have it in me to kill myself. I limp on wounded. I keep trying to tell N to run free while she can but she won't.

I am crying out to be heard and felt and understood. For people to go out of their way for me. I don't know how to make this happen. I can't get people to just read things I write.

I don't know I don't know I don't know.