march 13
omg started a neocities
march 14
trying to remember how to write html frames in notepad.
started reading pedro and ricky come again by jonathan meades. 992 pages.
the introduction talks about 'woke' in a way that made me cringe. if i didn't know there was some good stuff in there written by a younger and less curmudgeonly man i'd send it back.
dad rang yesterday. mum went into hospice care. only one person can visit her because of covid rules.
at the end two people can be with her. "it might be easier if it was [your brother]".
easier why? i am not sure if he was thinking about logistics or his feelings.
either way it is a hard way to find out you can't see someone again.
that it is mother's day is just a coincidence.
march 18
mum came out of hospice and is home. i spent last night watching over her, just as she did when i was 8 in alderhey hospital.
being quite level-headed about it. yes she is ill and death is coming, but she can hear and is compos mentis. so she is there.
normally i hate snoring but it was pleasant to just read and have her at peace and not in pain.
march 19
received a dsar today. a dsar is a request placed by an individual that a company or institution turn over every piece of information about them recorded in their systems.
this includes files but, relevant to me, emails. conversations with the individual and mentioning them (i never did).
not sure why - friend says dsars usually prefigure litigation.
i am pretty sure it isn't only me who received the request but it has not half got me speculating.
march 29
brother called to say mum is going into hospice.
i had previously asked my dad to let me know if they were taking her in so i could rush to see her (covid rules means i cannot see her when she goes).
i missed her by a few minutes as the ambulance came earlier than stated. this is how it ends. in adminstrative chaos because they tried to help.
dad said that mum had disclosed that her grandmother also died of the same thing (motor neurone disease). there is a hereditary strain of it.
i am trying to make an appointment to get my genes looked at. don't know if that is even possible.
the day tumbled toward patheticness tinged with irony. i decided to walk for a bit, to catch my train home from a stop further up the line.
on the opposite platform was a woman i have previously loved, with her infant son, and what appeared to be a bump.
my feelings were still tumultous from the morning but i was surprised by the wave of shame and sadness at this development. not the bump: just her presence.
she hasn't spoken to me for well over a decade for arcane reasons (our youthful ardour was difficult and mutually destructive) and i wanted to respect it. but she was literally right opposite on a quiet railway station on a monday afternoon. it was strange.
i hope i can see my mum again but i don't think i will be allowed to.