Awful weekend. Went camping in Wales with N. We argued every day. I was having a real mental dip from work and future stress. I tried to talk about it but she made it about her and her problems. We nearly had a car crash that we would certainly have both died in. We did drugs but I said something while tripping balls that made N cry and it got worse from there. In the morning she picked and criticised while I was helping pack up and then we argued while driving (I prepared a drink for her to have at a traffic light, but she insisted on looking for a lost other drink, even though she was meant to focus on the road and also I couldn't find the other drink). We stopped in a pub car park and had a screaming match and I was not for giving in this time. We made up but she resurrected the row at home and eventually I said something in my life has to give and it was probably going to be this relationship.

Just everything is wrong right now. Summers of late have become really depressing; financially bottoming out as jobs let me go to rehire me, but I live with the poverty and uncertainty.

I know I am a good and worthwhile person. But I am imprisoned in a bad relationship with nowhere to jump and no prospects of better. I cannot fulfil people's fantasies and I don't want to. It isn't my place to. I do not want a family with an unstable and mean person. I do not want to be a broke parent. Broke and single is fine.

June 30th

Last few weeks have been an upswing. I went to Europe for a week - Antwerp, Den Bosch, Berlin, Prague - to moon about and think about things. When I got back I was extended in both jobs that I do, then I got an interview for a nearby job that seems pretty cool. Relationship issues addressed and seem like they might fix. I dunno. Cautious optimism.