An eventful few days.

On Wednesday evening I travelled down to Kent for a conference. I hadn't quite finished my presentation and I also had a job interview to prepare for, so things were all a bit messy and stressy. After record levels of procrastination, I got the talk done by 3am and rolled out of bed at 7am to begin the process of getting ready and going to deliver it.

Three of my colleagues at job #2 were also at the conference, so there was no little amount of fear inside of me. In Belgium I was also judged by my peers, but to little consequence. Here, shit talk sticks and will pass on through a very collegiate bunch. Colleague #1 got up first and smashed it. Her presentation was frighteningly well-prepared and -thought out. Colleague #2's was fine, probably about as good as mine was in my head, so the bar was lowered a little.

As it happens, mine (next) was pretty well-received. One colleague said it was 'good' in this shy kind of way which I took as genuine rather than supportive. Colleague #4 also did an interesting one and we all went for tapas and talked shit about people all night. It was that rare thing - fun with colleagues.

The interview was via zoom the next day. I thought it went pretty well, though I couldn't answer one question because it asked for a specific kind of experience I just have not had. But on the other questions, and the exercise, I felt that I did very well and came across like a competent and reasonable professional person.

Then, on the Saturday, after a long journey home and fitful sleep, my band played our first show in three years. We were good, though the scant crowd was energyless.

A nice Sunday in Chester. Unwinding after all the stress with a nice meal. As N and I were walking along the river, I said "this last few days might end up all being for nothing." How right I would turn out to be, and quickly.

On Monday, a double blow. I did not get the job I interviewed for. The guy called and the only thing he said that stuck in my head was "we admired your honesty if nothing else". If nothing else. Jesus.

Then, and in an indirect way, I found out that the full-time job at the place I work part-time did not shortlist me for interview. This was a killer punch and I am still reeling three days later. My identity, my relationship, my past, and my future all damaged. When you are - at best - sixth on the pecking order to simply move sideways, you don't feel much like going back to the job to do what you were hired for.

I wrote to express my disappointment at both the rejection and the way I found out. My boss was apologetic about the second thing and straight about the first: there were simply many good candidates.

I have said that I will work my obligation until the end of next July and leave. I will be 40 and I do not know where I will end up.