N and I have been bickering for three years now. Her dad's suicide was brutal, then COVID happened, and I lost my job, then my mum got very ill and died, and then I finally got a job but it was far away and then I had to move to be there. All of these big cracks have accumulated, splitting along the natural faultline of attitudes toward security and children.

I'd like a house and a job in the same city as N. Who would not want this? Unfortunately I couldn't land a job in commuting range and she dragged her feet over moving too. It could have happened, but it wasn't happening now. She wanted to buy a house regardless. I stopped her, reasoning it would disempower me and also not be in the right city for me (also I have no saving).

The question of children is a thornier one. Were I feeling much more secure about things I would doubtlessly relent despite my general misgivings (I do not particularly enjoy young children and I also treasure my free time). But I am not feeling secure about anything at all (job still set to end in July) especially in the middle of a total economic crisis. Meanwhile N cannot pass a child in a pram without bursting into tears. The distance is now, apparently, insurmountable.

In a way I cannot believe we lasted this long. I had been very clear to her for 18 months that the issues on my side were not within sight of an end, and that she had agency (ie. to leave, without any judgement from my side) but would always pretend that she was trapped in a situation rather than say how it is (ie. not able to have everything she wants). I appreciate that it isn't an easy decision to take, but I offered no false illusions at any point.

She ended it, ultimately, after realising that she could make the choice (or that her anger was forcing the choice). My reaction is a mixture of sadness and relief.